here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
