....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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