i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
