I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
