Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
