We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
