the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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