that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
