I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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