And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
