When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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