I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
