So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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