he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
