I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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