i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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