Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
if only i could text you this smell
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
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