im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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