drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
