Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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