She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
