Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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