Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
