My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
