dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
