I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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