the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We just shotgunned beers for America
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
