Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
