Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
