kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
