my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize