I will die if light touches me.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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