either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
its liver damage thursday
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
