Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
where are you?
Hypothermia
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
