I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
