We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
