if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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