My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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