that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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