Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize