i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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