I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
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