I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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