Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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