It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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