i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
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