Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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