even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
