I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
