just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
