Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
