Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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