Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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