He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
