Just fell off a train. Bad.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
