I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
