those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
