dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
