I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize